By Health & Wellness Editor Kathy Whelan
We hear about it at the worst of times, like the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Boston Marathon bombing: the altruistic acts of strangers.
Psychologist Kelly McGonigal writes in The Upside of Stress that “tend and befriend” is a type of stress response driven by oxytocin, the hormone that builds and strengthens social bonds. This natural way of responding to stress, she says, gives us the courage, hope and motivation to protect the people and communities we care about, which explains the outpourings of generosity and help we see after community-wide traumas.
At less dramatic times, we may not engage in as many acts of kindness, which can seem trivial and inconsequential by comparison. Some of our reluctance stems from our negativity bias – the universal tendency for negative events and emotions to affect us more than positive ones. We underestimate the positive impact of our gestures, creating a barrier to engaging in prosocial actions. “Why bother?” we might ask ourselves.
I am fortunate to have recently met two people who did bother. In January, I received an envelope from an unfamiliar address in San Francisco. Inside was a Christmas card I had intended for someone else but misaddressed. The accompanying note was warm and friendly. The writer, a woman with a Japanese name, enclosed a sheet of cute stickers from San Francisco’s “Japan Town.”
I responded, thanking her for returning the card and sharing that my husband and I had recently visited Japan. I enclosed a picture of us with our favorite Japanese tour guide. The 2-page letter that came back was one of the loveliest I have ever received. My new friend described growing up near Mt. Fuji and said she and her husband would like to move back to Japan someday. “I believe that this unique way of encounter with you was given to me by God,” she wrote. At the foot of the letter was a picture of a beautiful couple with a young son.
In San Francisco a month later, my husband and I found my pen pal’s home and left a note when no one answered the door. The next day we had a warm, wonderful meeting with her, and we all vowed to do it again. I have thought about this chain of unusual events many times since.
Having observed the kindness of Japanese people during our visit there, I wondered if our new friend’s background explained her behavior. I questioned whether an American living in our area would behave as she had.
As if in answer, something surprising happened back home.
On a walk, my husband and I spotted a white squirrel. Fascinated, we stopped to take pictures. A woman then stormed out of her house, demanding to know if we were photographing her property. She calmed down when she realized we were interested only in the squirrel. We exchanged names but not contact information.
Soon we received a letter from this woman, apologizing for her rude behavior. She wrote that her bad manners could be dismissed as a sign of the times, but “that’s no excuse.” We wrote back, enclosing our pictures of the squirrel. We received in return a thank-you card with a link to information about the North Carolina White Squirrel. We were the recipients once again of unsolicited kindness, this time from an American woman in our own neighborhood.
We all have the capacity to show such kindness to others, to give without the expectation of getting anything in return. But most of us – and I include myself – don’t do it often enough.
Dr. McGonigal assures us that even small acts of kindness – giving someone our full attention or the benefit of the doubt, praising or recognizing someone – are as powerful as grand gestures. We should look for little things to do instead of waiting to make a big impact.
Expecting nothing in return for an act of kindness doesn’t mean we get nothing, though. In fact, acts of kindness are reciprocal, resulting in decreased loneliness, improved mood, better relationships, and feelings of satisfaction and wellbeing for the giver.
Not sure what to do? Mayo Clinic’s Kickstart Kindness Program has many good ideas and should dispel any concern about not doing enough: “Now is your chance to cause a ripple effect that can affect your entire community . . . simply by being kind.”
With all the unkindness evident in the world today, now is a perfect time to focus on the little things we can do to make it a kinder place.
Kathy Whelan left a successful Wall Street legal career when her doctor warned that her lifestyle of overwork and lack of self-care were not sustainable. She had always been interested in the relationship between lifestyle and health, so eventually Kathy returned to her undergraduate alma mater Duke University to become a certified Integrative Health Coach, with additional training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. Integrative Health Coaching is based in the neuroscience of behavioral change. Kathy calls it the missing link in addressing individual and national health crises. It’s the foundation of her unique health and wellness coaching for corporate and individual clients. Kathy’s work has been featured in media including The Boston Globe. Learn more at www.whelanwellness.com