By Health & Wellness Editor Kathy Whelan
Good friends are good for our health. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running study of adult life, makes it clear that strong social connections make us happier, healthier and likely to live longer.
It’s helpful to know this, but putting it into practice can raise questions: How many friends do I need in order to get these results? And what makes a “good” friendship?
Robert Waldinger, MD, Director of the Harvard study, attempts to answer these questions. The answer to the first question, he says, is different for everyone. Some people thrive on two or three deep connections while others flourish in a wider network of diverse friendships from different areas or stages of life. We can decide what’s best for us by looking closely at our social interactions and identifying those that are truly fulfilling.
What makes a “good” friendship can be more difficult to answer. Here are three things to consider:
Make sure it’s reciprocal. It’s important that both parties to a friendship benefit from it. A friendship in which one friend does all the giving while the other does all the taking might not work for some people but might work for others if both giver and taker get what they need in those roles.
Usually, reciprocity works more like a seesaw where the balance of giving and taking shifts from time to time according to the changing needs of each person. Things can become asymmetrical, though, and the seesaw can get stuck in one position. Friends need to be aware of each other’s needs as well as their own and know when to shift the balance.
Be authentic when it matters. Being authentic in our actions and speech means aligning them with our true beliefs and values even in the face of pressures to think and act differently. Behaving authentically leads to better mental health because we reduce the friction between who we really are and how we present ourselves to the world. But sometimes this makes a difference and sometimes it doesn’t.
Our survival as a species depended on getting along with others, so our brains are wired for a certain degree of conformity and people-pleasing. Manners and social protocols bring order to our everyday interactions. Responding to “How are you?” with “Fine, how are you?” – even when we’re not – gives a smoothness to superficial interactions. But in relationships and situations that really matter, that doesn’t serve us well. If we’re always “fine,” no one will really know us, and we will not get the benefits of strong social connection.
In high school, I once told a friend excitedly about a new boyfriend. She, who knew the boy better than I did, took a risk in saying, “I wish I could be happy for you, but I can’t.” As it turned out, she was right not to be happy for me. Her honesty told me I could trust her to tell me the truth when it counted. Her authenticity let me know she cared about me, and our friendship deepened.
Be vulnerable (with the right people). Normally we show the world only a fraction of who we are. Like an iceberg that is only partly exposed, our fears, flaws, and struggles stay hidden below the surface in most personal interactions. But sometimes we want another person to see more of us – to see our vulnerability – so they can really know us.
If you look up “vulnerability” in a dictionary, you’ll see synonyms like “weakness” and “helplessness,” but teachers like Brené Brown and Dr. Waldinger have given the word new meaning. According to them, showing our inner selves – being vulnerable – is courageous because we don’t really know how other people will respond.
Years ago, a friend who was struggling shared her problems with me, over and over. I grew tired of listening and began avoiding her. Then she caught wind of a problem I was having. Her outpouring of unsolicited love and concern taught me something important. The issue with our friendship hadn’t been her behavior alone. It was on me, too, because I hadn’t been brave enough to open up to her. Dr. Waldinger calls vulnerability “the fastest path to connection,” and that was true for me in this case. With those who are receptive and deserving of it, showing our vulnerability can make a friendship better.
We should all consider reviewing our friendships, keeping in mind these three ingredients – reciprocity, authenticity and vulnerability. Making a few small changes could make a big difference in our health.
Kathy Whelan left a successful Wall Street legal career when her doctor warned that her lifestyle of overwork and lack of self-care were not sustainable. She had always been interested in the relationship between lifestyle and health, so eventually Kathy returned to her undergraduate alma mater Duke University to become a certified Integrative Health Coach, with additional training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. Integrative Health Coaching is based in the neuroscience of behavioral change. Kathy calls it the missing link in addressing individual and national health crises. It’s the foundation of her unique health and wellness coaching for corporate and individual clients. Kathy’s work has been featured in media including The Boston Globe. Learn more at www.whelanwellness.com